Christmas Evil
by shutterfun
Summary: Drake Merwin. Who would have expected he's one of Santa's little elves?
1. Chapter 1

**Let it be known that in order to understand some of the references in this story, you should read **_**The Right Path**_** and **_**The Left Path**_**. You'll be okay without doing so, but it would help, plus they're amazingly amazing.**

_Drake pranced around the halls of Coates Academy, singing merrily and waving bells which omitted a lovely tinkling sound._

"_It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!" He sang joyfully, eyes closed._

Diana and Caine were walking down the halls of Coates Academy when they heard the sound.

"What's that?" asked Diana to no one in particular.

"I don't know. It sounds like Christmas caroling." Asked Caine.

They stopped to listen as the sound grew nearer.

"Is that…" said Diana.

"No. It can't be."

Just then Drake appeared from around the corner. He had a garland in one hand and a cluster of mistletoe in the other. Around his neck were sleigh bells, and he had a Santa hat on.

"Dashing through the snow! In a one horse open sleigh! Over the fields we go!"

Caine and Diana stared at the psychopath boy in utter awe as he hung the garlands upon the walls and fastened the mistletoe on each door frame he passed. The sleigh bells on his neck jingled lighthearted music and he skipped.

"Umm, Drake?" said Caine, walking up to the boy they had once known as sadistic.

Drake whipped around with a big smile on his face.

"Well hello Caine! How are doing on this fine winter day?"

"I'm cold. You however, may be overheating."

"Why do you say that, you crazy telepathic elf, you?"

Caine raised an eyebrow at Drake, who continued grinning joyfully. Diana took a step forward and placed the back of her hand on Drake's forehead.

"What in the name of Rudolph's nose are you doing Diana?" asked Drake. "I'm perfectly fine!"

"He's not warm." Said Diana blatantly.

Drake looked at them quizzically for a moment, then said, "Oh you guys! I just love Christmas! The snow and trees and cookies! It makes me feel warm and cuddly inside!"

Caine and Diana looked at each other in confusion.

"Well as long as you don't cuddle either one of us, feel free to go about your day." Said Diana.

"Oh don't you worry about that! I have Marcellus here for that!"

Caine face-palmed. He knew all about Marcellus Vivar. The time travelling boy from the 1800's. Just as he was thinking this, a boy with jet black hair and a dark brown coat walked around the corner.

"Oh hey Marcellus!" piped Drake. When Marcellus was beside him they held hands.

"So." Said Marcellus with a small smile. "What's next on the list?"

"There's a list?" asked Caine. He was ignored, much to his dismay.

"Well," began Drake. "We need to get the chestnuts, bake the gingerbread cookies and get some more mittens. Mine are starting to get holes in them."

"Does anybody find it odd how we're in California but it's snowing like Canada?" asked Diana.

"No." said Drake.

"Alright then! I'll get the chestnuts, you get the mittens. Then we can all make cookies!" said Marcellus, throwing his arm into the air.

Caine and Diana both shook their heads.

"Well then."

"Time to get ready! There are twelve days until Christmas, starting tomorrow! Let's move it!" exclaimed Drake.

"Yeah!" agreed Marcellus.

Drake leaned over and kissed Marcellus before taking off, singing more Christmas Carols. Marcellus bent down to adjust his spats, and then skipped in the opposite directions, blissfully reciting poetry.

**To be continued.**


	2. Chapter 2

_**On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, A Partridge in a Pear Tree.**_

__Drake walked down the road to Perdido Beach hand in hand with Marcellus. Snow was falling from the sky like it was Canada and everyone was merry and bright.

"So where are we gonna get a partridge in a pear tree?" asked Marcellus, taking a break from catching snowflakes on his tongue.

"Well," replied Drake. "There's a magical little store in between the hardware store and the daycare. They call it Bolfree's. It has everything to do with partridges and pear trees!"

"Sweet!"

They were o overjoyed with this knowledge that they began skipping in sheer and utter delight.

Until, you know, they crashed into Sam and Quinn.

"Oh hey guys!" said Sam, picking Quinn up tenderly off the ground.

"Hey Sam!" said Drake.

Quinn, who had successfully gotten up, asked, "What are you guys doing?"

"We," said Drake, "are on our way to Bolfree's for a partridge in a pear tree."

"Why on earth are you doing that?" asked Sam.

Drake and Marcellus looked at each other for a few seconds, unsure of the purpose.

"I suppose," Marcellus began, "we're doing it out of the love for Christmas and the fact that we were bored. Plus it's a fluff/crack fic. It can be anything." As he said anything, he waved his hand in the sky, spreading green and red sparkles everywhere.

"Oooohhhhhhh!" said the other three.

"Wait, what about you guys?" asked Drake.

"We're escaping from the homophobic peach worms." Said Sam. "They don't do much except stick their little blue tongues out at you. But it's really annoying. Plus Quinn and I want to make out."

"Oh! Well then see you later!"

They continued on their quest for Christmas rhyme treats and goodies

After skipping merrily through the Scratch 'n Sniff forest and up the Mountain of Hanukkah Celebrating Zekes, they finally made it to the town. Kids were throwing snowballs and singing songs from South Park to Christmas music.

"Omigosh there it is!" screamed Marcellus, pointing excitedly at a small store with an inflatable elf holding a fish on top of it.

"Yeah! Let's go get us some partridges!"

They ran into the store in a stumbling frenzy and burst through the door, where they found Howard sitting in a rocking chair with a fake Santa beard on. He was telling a story about "the good ol' days" to some of the littles.

"Hey Howard! We need a partridge in a pear tree up in this boarding school, yo!" Drake yelled across the room.

Howard, pretending to be an old man said, "Ah! Alright alright! You crazy young whippersnapper! No need to shout!" He stood up slowly and held his back as he walked down to the basement, muttering something about how young kids don't know nothin' about the Vietnam Teddy Bear Corporation.

Still muttering, he came back upstairs with a pear tree in his arms, topped with a partridge singing "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera. He threw it into Drakes arms.

"That'll be a half tuna fish! One bucket of rye juice with a dollop of heaping muck! Why my sea face? I am Paula Dean with the whisk and that pants on the ground fool! Muddy guppy! Argh."

Drake and Marcellus bolted out of the store.

_**In the next installment of Christmas Evil, Drake and Marcellus try to find two turtle doves. But are turtle doves everything they seem, or something more sinister? No, not really.**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two turtle doves.**_

Off they skipped, merrily debating squash marriage laws. They were headed to the Field of Happiness, where they hoped to find two turtle doves.

"Omigosh we're here!" exclaimed Drake.

They gazed into the wonder of the ugly happiness. Dekka was standing in the field, along with Brianna and a random puppy with Spandex. Dekka looked over at them.

"Hi Drake!"

"Hey there, Dekka!"

"Who's this?"

"No! Don't ask who he is!"

But it was too late. Marcellus had already whipped out his Shutter Shades and a boom box was floating in the air. He began to rap.

"YO! THE NAME'S MARCELLUS OVER 5 FEET TALL!

I'M STRAIGHT UP VICTORIAN BUT I AINT STRAIGHT AT ALL!

I BUILT A TIME MACHINE ALMOST LIKE THE TARDIS!

I HAD TO GET AWAY BECAUSE MY LIFEE WAS THE HARDEST!

STEPPED IN THE MACHINE, THE LIGHT TURNED GREEN!

I STEP OUT AND THE FIRST THING I SEE IS CHARLIE SHEEN!

GAVE HIM SOME COCAINE, HE GAVE ME SOME DIRECTIONS!

I SLIPPED INTO CALI WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST DETECTION!

THEN I MET DRAKE AND WE STARTED DATING!

AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE NOBODY WAS A HATING!

SO HERE IMMA STAY AND RAP MY STORY!

AND CHILL OUT WITH THE DRAKE, TRY TO MAKE HIM LESS GORY!

REPRESENT!"

They stood there as Marcellus collapsed from excessive swag.

"So can we have two turtle doves?" Said Drake.

The Breeze zipped away and returned immediately with two turtle doves in a cage made of Tums.

"Holy crap! Turtle doves are brown?"

"Uh, yeah." Said Brianna. "Aren't you an Arandanaut?"

"No."

"Oh. Mah bad."

Drake picked up Marcellus, still suffering from too much swag, and walked off into the sunset, with sad cowboy music playing from the floating boom box which followed them eerily.

**In the next episode of Christmas Evil, the oddball same-sex couple search for 3 French Hens. But you know how the French are. Will they succeed? Dun dun duuuuuun!**


	4. Chapter 4

_**On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, Three French Hens.**_

Twas' the third day of Christmas, and deep in the FAYZ,

Drake and Marcellus were counting the days.

They had many of gifts to bestow on the town.

So on each day of Yule, they searched all around.

They set out to remake the rhyme we all know.

The one I make fun of in this fan-fic of snow.

"Alas!" said Marcellus. "Where do we find,

A European hen trio around this time?"

"I think I might know." said Drake with a grin.

And with hands clasped together, they ran on a whim.

They finally stopped at Hermit Jim's shack.

They both caught their breath then went to the back.

And there with 9 reindeer, with a lab as the 10th,

Sat Lana and Patrick and three golden hens.

"Hello there!" said Lana, a smile on her face.

"What brings Coates academy's pair to this place?"

"We," said Marcellus, with the boom box still there,

"Are looking for three French hens." "You dare?"

Lana jumped up and assumed attack pose.

"If you try to take them, beware my fire hose!"

She whipped out her weapon and even a pie.

Drake pulled out a surfboard and covered his eyes.

Marcellus, being the civilized one,

Stepped in the middle and said, "Everyone!"

"We've 9 days til' Christmas, not counting this one!"

"Do you think maybe once we could try and be nice?"

"It's not about blood, rather sugar and spice!"

They put down they weapons and put on a smile.

(Something we haven't seen on Lana for a while)

She picked up the chickens and handed them over.

Drake pulled gave her a turkey that he had named Rover.

So off the two skipped, Lana sat happily there.

And the boom box mysteriously followed through the air.

_**And so concludes the 3**__**rd**__** day of Christmas. Next on the list is calling birds. But nothing is really what it seems in The Twilight Zone! Oh…. Wrong signal….. Nothing is really what it seems in the FAYZ!**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, four calling birds.**_

"Drake, stop it."

"What?"

"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF MY PANTS!"

"Oh, sorry."

Marcellus pasted a look of helplessness and slightly humoured annoyance as Drake slid his hand out of his pants. They continued walking in embarrassment. Breaking the silence, Drake spoke.

"So we need four calling birds. Where do we find them?"

"We need to go to Hermit Jim's shack. He had a few lying around before he began swimming with the muddy guppies."

"Okay."

They continued the awkward silence. A few minutes later they were at Jim's shack. The door was open and the smell of cabbage and perfume was coming from the inside.

"Who's in there?" yelped Marcellus, hiding behind Drake.

"I'll go check."

Drake walked up to the shack and peered inside. After a few moments, he and Marcellus quietly walked in. They heard quick, high pitched noises, like anime school girls giggling. It was coming from the kitchen.

As they rounded the corner into the kitchen, the sight that they saw was quite unexpected. On the floor, wrapping presents was Zombie Orsay, who had a look of happiness on her face. Sitting on the counter in a red sweater and a Santa hat was Zil, giggling and looking like a rational human being. Standing up close to Zil in an elf hat and jingle bells messily tied around his legs, like some evil twisted freak plant from a B-movie, was Lance. He was holding was looked like mistletoe smeared with mustard above their heads as he and Zil continually tried to snog but missed each other's faces.

"What the hell is going on here?" Drake exclaimed.

The three looked at him in surprise. Zil was the first to speak.

"I got tired of the Human Crew stuff, so we all changed out ways! I started up the Trippy Outie Club with Lance and Orsay instead."

"I'm trippin' balls right now!" said Zombie Orsay in a blissful tone.

"On what?" asked Marcellus.

"Zeke lungs!" Lane said. Zil made the same giggling noise that the two had heard earlier.

"Well," said Drake. "Do you know where Jim's calling birds are?"

"Indeed!" said Zombie Orsay. She got up and skipped down the hall of the shack, returning a few moments later with a cage of four little white birds with keypads and telephones on their backs.

"Aww! They're so cute!" squealed Marcellus. Drake rolled his eyes at this display of weakness to anything cute, but secretly thought about how adorable they were and how much he'd like to cuddle with them all day long.

"Okay! Let's go!" said Drake.

"Not so fast!" yelled Lance. He grabbed Zil's hand and pulled him off the counter, heading toward Drake and Marcellus.

"You have to snog first."

Drake looked at Lance like he was out of his mind. He looked over to Marcellus, who, much to Drake's displeasure was grinning vividly.

"No."

"Aww come on!" pleaded Marcellus. Drake looked at him for a moment, thinking it over. One; his sadistic reputation would be ruined. But two; Marcellus was adorable, and he did owe him for the whole hand thing.

"Fine."

Everybody but Drake dance partied for about five seconds. Lance then flung the mistletoe at the ceiling, where it stuck. Drake couldn't help but make a face. Suddenly he felt a heavy impact on his neck, but it was just Marcellus's arms. He could have died!

He turned to say something to Marcellus but was "shutted up" if you will, by his mouth. The two made out for a few minutes, then stopped. The Trippy Outie Club sand song of happiness and rejoiced at this. Drake and Marcellus walked out of Jim's shack, holding hands.

They walked down the road in silence.

"Marcellus?"

"Yes, Drake?"

"Can I…"

"Fine."

Drake slid his hand down Marcellus's pants and they continued walking.

_**Tune in next week for FIIIIIVE GOOLDEEEN RIIINGS! Will they succeed? Of course they will. Look at the quality of the plot development! I basically rely on fluff, yaoi and crack-fic material! Gosh I suck. But whatever! Bye!**_


End file.
